How to Support a Sexual Crime Survivor

   Today we are finally in a place where sexual crime victims and survivors are being taken seriously. For too many years of my life this was not the case. Women were ignored because men were somehow entitled to take what they wanted, the woman must have wanted it, or some other ridiculous excuse. Those excuses are now falling away as more people realize sexual crimes are committed not by men, but by predators, not by people in authority, but by people abusing the power of their positions, not because women, men, and children want it, but  because they have their right to refuse disrespected and taken away. As I listen to all the news reports regarding the #MeToo movement, I can't help feeling an important piece of the conversation is missing. It's not just fear of the abuser that has caused under reporting of sexual violence, it is the way victim's and survivors are treated by law enforcement, courts, family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, acquaintances and strangers. Today, I'm adding to the conversation. Here are my 12 steps to supporting a sexual crime survivor.

 1. Words matter. Sexual crime victims and survivors are normal people who had something bad happen to them. There is nothing "wrong," "creepy," or "suspicious" about the survivor. Those adjectives describe the predatory thoughts and behavior of the perpetrator. Use proper terminology. A crime victim is a "victim" at the time the crime is committed. After that he or she is a "survivor." Continually referring to a person as a "victim" makes them feel weak. Referring to someone as a "survivor" is empowering. The person who committed the crime is the "perpetrator." This helps to clarify who perpetrated the crime (it was not the victim). The perpetrator is a criminal predator who may be mentally ill, or may feel entitled to abuse his position of power. 

2. Understand what the crime was without demanding the survivor supply you with details. Here are brief definitions from https://www.justice.gov  

 Sexual Harrassment: Sexual harassment in employment has been defined as unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical conduct that enters into employment decisions and/or conduct that unreasonably interferes with an individual’s work performance or creates an intimidating, hostile, or offensive working environment. 
    Sexual Assualt: The term “sexual assault” means any non-consensual sexual act proscribed by Federal, tribal, or State law, including when the victim lacks capacity to consent.              

  Rape: The penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim. 

  Stalking: The term “stalking” means engaging in a course of conduct directed at a specific person that would cause a reasonable person to fear for his or her safety or the safety of others or suffer substantial emotional distress.

   Voyeurism: Laws vary by state and often fall under Right to Privacy Laws. An example of a legal definition of voyeurism from Delaware : A person is guilty of violation of privacy when he (1) trespasses on private property intending to subject anyone to eavesdropping or other surveillance or (2) installs in a private place, without consent, any device for observing, photographing, recording, amplifying, or broadcasting sounds in that place.   https://www.cga.ct.gov/PS98/rpt%5Colr%5Chtm/98-R-1034.htm 

   According to Wikipedia, "Non-consensual voyeurism is considered to be a form of sexual abuse. When the interest in a particular subject is obsessive, the behavior may be described as stalking.

   The United States FBI assert that some individuals who engage in "nuisance" offenses (such as voyeurism) may also have a propensity for violence based on behaviors of serious sex offenders. An FBI researcher has suggested that voyeurs are likely to demonstrate some characteristics that are common, but not universal, among serious sexual offenders who invest considerable time and effort in the capturing of a victim (or image of a victim); careful, methodical planning devoted to the selection and preparation of equipment; and often meticulous attention to detail."

   In other words, Voyeurism is not just a harmless little crime to be laughed off. Suggesting the survivor feel "flattered" is both repulsive, and a sign of your ignorance. Victims are having their sense of safety, security, and privacy violated, and may be in very real danger of physical harm.   

3.  Understand that the survivor did nothing to cause the perpetrator to victimize him or her. The perpetrator chose to victimize someone he or she perceived to be weak (regardless of whether or not weakness exists). Victim-blaming is never helpful or supportive.

4.  Follow the survivor's lead. Everyone is different. Some survivors will want to talk to you about their traumatic experience, others will choose to talk to someone else, or seek professional help from a licensed counselor trained to guide crime survivors through the healing process. Others will choose to pursue their own path of healing with the use of self-help books, journaling, meditation, and exercise. This is a personal choice - Respect it. While a sexual crime victim is in the midst of having their body violated, they are being stripped of their rights. They are experiencing a lack of respect for their person-hood, as well as their right to refuse to participate. They are experiencing extreme distress, a sense of helplessness and even hopelessness. Help and support the survivor by respecting their choice of healing path. In doing this, you will be giving them back their rights, restoring their strength, and empowering their sense of hope for a happy and healthy future.

5.  Be thoughtful about where, when, and why you are thinking about bringing the subject up. Is a crowded workplace cafeteria really an appropriate place to bring up another person's personal trauma? What is your purpose in bringing up the subject years later? Why do you think you need to bring this subject up? Re-read step #4 - Follow the survivor's lead. It's one thing to provide a hug and an offer to listen immediately after a trauma, it's quite another to refuse to allow the survivor to chose when, where and with whom they want to talk to. Allow survivors to move past the trauma and get on with their life at their pace, not yours. Ask yourself: Am I really trying to help the survivor, or am I the one who still hasn't move forward? What is my motive? Am I curious, titillated, hoping for an entertaining story, victim-blaming, victim-shaming, belittling, abusive, or fearful? Am I the one who needs therapy? What other way can I address my needs, while still respecting the survivor's needs and choices?   

6.  Be mindful of the fact that it is not the survivor who has explaining to do. It is the criminal perpetrator who owes an explanation for victimizing. It is not you who is owed an explanation, it is the survivor who is owed an explanation, an apology, and restitution.

7.  Understand legal terms like "Restitution," and "Compensation." Both are about the criminal perpetrator paying the survivor money to "restore to whole," or to compensate for damages done. A few examples of damages may be physical harm, mental or emotional harm, loss of wages, medical expenses, and legal expenses. Understand that the amount of money asked for, offered, or awarded is none of your business. Whether or not the survivor chooses to accept compensation is also none of your business. Most importantly, how the survivor uses the compensation is none of your business. The survivor is under no obligation to share or donate the compensation. The sole person entitled to compensation is the survivor. Respect that. Respect his or her financial privacy, and respect his or her right to spend, save, invest, give away, bury or burn as he or she chooses.

8.  Support the survivor by cutting short malicious acquaintances who spread stories and use terms like "victim," "damaged," "slut," and other shaming words to describe the survivor.

9.  Understand that survivors do not want or choose to now spend the rest of their lives being viewed as a victim. If you tell other people about the crime the survivor endured, without their consent, you are again turning him or her into a victim by causing these new people to see them as such. Ask yourself, "Why am I perpetuating the victimization of this person?" If you can't answer the question, seek professional help for yourself to find the answer.

10. Understand that some survivors have never spoken about the trauma they endured. For them, coming forward and speaking publicly may be the most empowering and healthy thing they can do for themselves.

11. Understand that in order to move forward, survivors sometimes need to stop talking about the experience. To officially put it in the past, and choose to move forward is one of the most empowering and healthy things a survivor can do for him or her self.

12.  Treat the survivor like they are normal. Assuming you can mind-read and "just know" they are thinking about this horrible crime is absurd. Survivors have other concerns. They may be thinking about a family health issue, a work issue, or how they are going to find time to get the grocery shopping done. So, have your normal conversations, and do your normal activities and routines together. Follow the survivor's lead and look for moments to have fun and share a laugh as you always have. In doing this you will be helping the survivor regain a sense of normalcy.

   You may notice I have not mentioned forgiveness. That's because forgiveness is a whole other topic. Forgiveness is for the benefit of the survivor, and occurs along the survivor's path to healing, at his or her own pace. 

Find it in your heart to accept the survivor's choices. You may never be the one chosen to listen. That's ok. Just spending time together for comfortable, familiar conversation and activities is far more constructive than you may realize. Effectively supporting a sexual crime survivor requires you to be caring, knowledgeable, thoughtful, respectful, reflective, understanding, and kind. My hope is that you will never need any of these tips. My hope is that as we move forward into a more enlightened era, all human beings will be caring, educated, healthy, respectful, able to handle rejection, empowered, and kind. My hope is to live in a crime free society where all humans care not just about themselves, but about all living beings.

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